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September 8, 2000
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Man Guilty of Smuggling Lizards Into U.S.

Just when you think you've heard the wildest story from Las Vegas, there's one more for your amusement.  Some guy stumbled off a plane there on Thursday with a suspicious bulge in his pants.  Not your typically suspicious bulge, either.  This bulge was squirming - on BOTH sides!

So I know what you're thinking.  This guy just got off a long flight where he did nothing but read porno and eat Mexican.

No way.  He's trying to sneak a dozen lizards into the U.S., presumably to add to his collection.  Now that's what I call snake handling.  And he evidently made it through the whole flight without serious bodily injury.  I suppose there may have been an element of pleasure involved, depending on the true nature of our friend's insanity.  After all, he seemed to make out better than the majority of his cargo - nine of his companions didn't survive the journey, which no doubt involved unspeakable personal trauma and horror for the poor creatures.

To take this another layer into the sureal, he doesn't get busted for indangering the welfare of his fellow passengers - he gets nailed for violating the Endangared Species Act.  I suspect Al Gore stepped in.
Speaking of which, that brings me to an interesting caimpain challenge.  Who can carry more reptiles in his pants - the ultra-green Al Gore or the Texas-tough George W. Bush?
Neither candidate seemed open to our challenge.  So we conducted our own survey of the electorate, supplemented by an informal poll of the reptile community.  The results  were alarming!
John Q. Public: 
85% of respondants say that George W. Bush could carry more than his share of genital reptiles. Even those who would pull the lever for Gore saw fit to give Bush the edge in this contest, citing their belief that Bush has more room for extra stuff down there.
Jane Q. Reptile: 
90% of the cold-blooded respondants expressed a deepseated longing for a chance to spend even a few moments in W's pants.  Most were ambivilant, though, pointing out that they think Al would be the friendlier host and wouldn't hold it against them if they got hungry along the way. 
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So George W. Bush is the winner, hands down.  No doubt a strong predictor of the election's outcome.
Jeff Goldthorp's Slightly Bizarre Current Events Site