September 6, 2009
Oscar Mayer Wienermobile Crashes Into Home
I haven't posted in awhile so I thought I drag a story out of the archives. This one is from back in July - I started to riff on it and then lost interest for reasons that now escape. me. I'll let you read on and decide whether or not I should have trusted my instincts.
Folks in Wisconsin will go to great lengths for a top quality wiener.
On July 19 the famed Wienermobile came unhinged and lunged wildly at a wood frame home in Mount Pleasant, leading to the expected outcome.
According to news reports, the driver was trying to turn around in the driveway. Thinking she was in reverse, she hit the gas and plowed into the house's garage and deck.
Why is it that, when people make this particular mistake, they tend to throw all of their preconceived notions about mistakes out the window? When you make a mistake, don't you usually try to mitigate damages? Don't you become aware of the mistake pretty quickly? Especially if you're moving at the time? And don't you find the brakes quickly? Why is it either back out of the driveway as planned or charge like a raging bull in Pamplona headlong into the garage? Why not "Ooops! I very nearly hit the damn garage! Glad I hit the brakes in time." Well, I guess that wouldn't make for much of a story, would it?
All of which causes me to wonder about Oscar. I've known the guy since I was a lad, but I'm afraid I've taken him for granted over the years. After all, Oscar is more than a nice wiener. He has feelings. He's got to live with the fact that he'll never plump when you cook him, stuck as he is with the meager portion dished out to him. His Jewish friends always seem to have the upper hand on him, especially after they organized into the Hebrew National. And he's probably always had an inferiority complex when he's around his cousins in the sausage family. The poor soul had to stroke his ego by exaggerating his likeness by several orders of magnitude, mounting it on the hood of a clownish platform, and going before the gawking masses wrapped in a silly yellow band. Truly, this is a pitiful wiener.
What can we do to boost Oscar's self esteem? I've given it just a little thought, and here's what I come up with
Help from Big Pharma - The commercial pharmaceutical industry is always there to lend a hand in situations like this. Oscar doesn't seem to have a problem that would make substances like Viagra necessary, but perhaps he could benefit from Enzite. It sure seems to have done wonders for this guy. But perhaps I am not alone in wondering just what this particular medication does. Maybe it's just a mood booster - an expensive happy pill. And maybe that's just what the doctor ordered.
New Wheels - Let's face it. That wienermobile sucks. It looks like a 1960s vintage hearse or ambulance. It's got tail fins. And it's yellow. No wiener can be proud riding around on top of such a tub. Oscar needs a new set of wheels. Unfortunately there are no prototypes around so I had to come up with my own rendering, which I did without the benefit of Photoshop. Well, you get the point.
