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September 21, 2004
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Man Shoots Wife, Mistakes Her For Monkey

You thought you had it bad.  Here's a poor bastard that can't tell his bride from an ape.  I'm hoping that this is simply a case of unfortunate aging;  that he didn't have to suffer this kind of trauma, anxiety and confusion for his entire adult life.  

The story was broken on the international scene by Reuters (as usual - Reuters' correspondents seem to find themselves in the strangest situations imaginable - the Weekly World News of wire services).  Reuters devotes a mere couple of paragraphs to this gripping tale of human tragedy, reporting blandly that the soon-to-be-no-more spouse was clammoring up a tree behind the family homestead in Malaysia in search of mangosteens for the evening meal when her soon-to-be-less-significant-other fetched a 
Jeff Goldthorp's Slightly Bizarre But True Current Events Site
Old News
Let Me Kow What You Think!
George Bush Clones - Unfortunately our Commander in Chief does have some facial features that could cause him to be mistaken for a chimp.  I suppose it doesn't end there.  I'm sure DARPA has found a way to clone W to promulgate a breed of pure, clean, white bread Republicans - so why not take advantage of their technology to crank out a few extras that can be used to raise awareness of the differences between apes and women?  Rather and providing villagers with an expensive pet monkey for this purpose, simply use a W clone as a surrogate.  Each replication comes programmed to utter simply phrases like "If it looks like me, hold your fire" or "Your wife isn't this ugly."  Also good for fetching mangosteens.
Cross Dressing  - If we can't stop husbands from shooting at chimps that they mistake for their wives, maybe we shold start dressing chimps up like brides.  There's no mistaking a formal bridal dress even when it's at the top of a mangosteen tree and you're looking at it from the bottom up.  Of course, while this strategy might protect the monkeys (or not, depending on the state of matrimonial bliss) it will not necessarily protect the wives, who still must scurry around without the benefit of full pre-nuptial regalia.  Then again, it might work for wives.that are particularly challenged in the appearance department (i.e., butt-ugly).  When you come right down to it, this is just a really stupid idea, but I like the picture.
shotgun and dispatched her without ceremony.  The guy is behind bars, where he has plenty of time to ponder the many differences between his wife and his simian friends.

The local Malaysian rag, the New Straits Times, adds a lot of detail and color to the story.  It's a priceless beginning that demands direct quotation:  "They had been married for four decades, shared some of the most difficult times together and raised 13 children.  And this had to happen."  Well, I suppose it DID have to happen since it actually occured and assuming you believe in a higher power that takes a particular interest in predetermining all of this stuff.  Either that or we have a simple case of some guy going off half-cocked, which has been known to happen occasionally even in the face of a diety.

Zain Yahya, the woman's son, was taking no chances:  "We are in shock. But what can be done? It's God's will."  I'd be a little careful trusting dieties that let husbands with weak eyesight and twitchy trigger-fingers walk around the family compound with loaded shotguns.

Zain went on to praise his father's careful handling of his firearms ". . . to the extent that he would not lend it to anyone, not even his children."  Little did he know that the children were the least of his problems.  Zain added that his father had used his shooting prowess to hold off the communists during something called the "Emergency".  I supose this is some kind of Malaysian communist Battle for the Planet of the Apes.  Either that or shooting your wife out of a tree

Monkey/bride confusion is more common than you think and it often leads to tragic outcomes like this.  What can be done to stop the killing?  I don't know, but here's what I think:

Hi Honey!
See No Evil
"Get My Gun"

Likewise, we could deck the ladies out like apes.  Here you can take advantage of the observation that Malaysian men don't take much interest in relieving their trees of monkeys.  Advisable for spouses with any facial features to recommend them.  Also much cheaper than a wedding dress.  By the way, am I the only one that thinks this is one fine looking ape?  
Breaking News - Quote of the Day

Deal in Congress to Keep Tax Cuts, Widening Deficit

The New York Times brings us the heartening news that we're taking yet another step into fiscal ruin.  But the big story was buried:  in a quote from Rep Charles Rangel of New York doing an awkward Ralph Kramden job of explaining his special role.  Get this:  "I wish we could pay for them (the tax cuts), but this is a political problem and we have people up for re-election. If you have to explain that you voted for these tax cuts because they benefit the middle class and against them because of the deficit, you've got a problem.''  Wait a minute.  Either he's saying that he voted twice or not at all.  Somehow I suspect he played hookie that day.

"But Teacher, I Had A Hall Pass . . . "