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September 12, 2004
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Having Sex Until The Cows Come Home

Reuters brings us more good news from Amsterdam.  Now you can take a walk without tripping over amorous couples cluttering things up with their lustful adventures.  The Burgermeister decided to  permit the cows to roam freely in the local park to "deter couples who have  scandalized the upright citizens of Spaarnwoude with their open-air sex  antics."

Just a few things to point out here.  Cows generally don't wait for, and as a rule will not
Jeff Goldthorp's Slightly Bizarre But True Current Events Site
Old News
Let Me Kow What You Think!
Sumo Exhibitions - I'm sure there are some people that find sumo wrestlers attractive, but I suspect I'm not alone in finding them something of a turn-off.  Why not hire a few and let them roam the Dutch parks, encountering one another with random, violent crashes and gutteral expressions of satisfaction.  It's enough to unstiffen my resolve, among other things.  And for those that remain undaunted in their determination to consummate, be advised that sumos are big but not usually full of grace.  A toppling wrestler will leave a large dent where you and your lover were previsously coupling..
Zombies!  - Nobody wants to have sex with a zombie.  And even the inhabitants of Spaarnwoude would probably postpone the personal advancement of carnal knowledge if they suspected they might encounter one.  Especially one of those really creepy ones with bits of flesh and hair and other miscellaneous goo.  And if that's not enogh, we'll give the zombies cameras to record the goulish suprise with.  There is a practical problem to deal with - unlike sumos, zombies can be a little hard to come by.  I'm trying to remember the plot from "Night of the Living Dead" - didn't we get them worked up over some kind of nuclear test?  It's worth a try.  So lets send the Dutch a good
tolerate, the Burgermeister's permission to roam at their leisure.  They're happy to make that decision on their own.  Just don't light a match anywhere nearby.  Furthermore, I didn't know the Netherlands was blessed with any folks of the strictly "upright" variety;  to the contrary, I thought it was a virtual magnet for the more "un-upright" among us.  Suffice it to say that I find it shocking that anybody in Amsterdam has been "scandalized" in quite some time.  How else do you get a label like "Netherlands"?  These people just can't get enough sex, and letting a few cows walking around isn't going to weaken their passion.  It might instead lead to unintended consequences that I prefer not to go into here.  

But the Burgermeister has spoken:  "Visitors experience great annoyance from people having sex in public  and apparently the presence of the cows turns the people off having  sex."  Now I understand!  It's not the locals she's worried about scandalizing - it's the innocents abroad.  What she doesn't understand, or chooses to ignore, is that stumbing across a couple of Dutch lovers groping in the weeds is exactly the sort of thing we ugly Americans cross the Atlantic to gape at.  You can find the same thing in Central Park, but you're usually sorry you did.  

She really hasn't cracked the code on the other half of the problem - a suitable deterant for the lustful locals.  I've given this a little thought, and feel I have some light to shed having run into a number of real-life turn-offs in my forty or so years of living.  Here are some ideas for the Burgermeister's consideration:
Disapproving Bovines
dose of nuclear waste and, if that's in short supply, some particularly nasty toxic waste should do the trick.  Spinkle either one on a nearby graveyard and, presto, instead zombies.  It's kind of like sea monkeys, only you can't just flush zombies down the toilet when you get bored with them.  It takes a head shot from a high-power rifle, according to "Night of the Living Dead".
Love Hurts
Surprise!  You're on Candid Camera!

Export Some Uprights - In addition to lowlives hoping to get a cheap thrill by interupting some openly expressed Dutch passion, the US offers more than its share of stiff, stuffy, judgemental, anal-retentive, disapproving, annoying, and just plain hard to be around folks.  Turn a few of them loose in the typical Dutch park and it won't be long before you'll observe the exodus of semi-clothed Dutch lovers fleeing the hashly worded admonishments.  No blunt objects or weapons of any kind are needed.  Just more evidence that peace of mind is more important than carnal satisfaction.
Breaking News

Schwarzenegger Outlaws Sex With Corpses

This just in from Reutors.  Some things you think are simply so embedded in common senses as to fall beyond the reach of law, but I'm forgetting about California.  They need a law to keep their hands off the dead.  It gets worse.  They've been working to get this law passed for two years.  Two years?  That's mind boggling.  What's the holdup?  Did somebody object?  Did anybody ever vote against this?  "Nobody knows the full extent of the problem.  But a handful of instances over the past decade is frequent enough to have a bill concerning it," said Tyler Ochoa, a professor at Santa Clara University School of Law   Damn straight.
"Can't a Corpse Get a Little Rest?"