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August 9, 2004
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Dutch Propose To Ban Unsolicited Toe Licking

Rotterdam is a fun place.  Unless you're a woman who prefers her toes dry.

The Communists in Amsterdam are pushing to get a law passed to ban the practice of "unsolicited toe-licking".  They decided a statutory remedy was in order when they unsuccessfully tried to nail an offensive toe-sucker.  You see, the Dutch are pretty tolerant folks and you can get away with just about anything that isn't nailed down.

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Earlobe Licking - Well, I'm pretty grossed out by this, but I've got to give this guy credit for quite a but more talent than any mere toe-sucker summons up.  By the look on the other guy's face the element of surprise, and disgust, has been achieved despite enormous challenges.  First you've got to either be gay or summon up the will to lick another guy's earlobe.  Next, you've got to position yourself within two inches of his ear.  Finally, you've got to have a Gene Simmons tongue, 
According to Reuters, "a man had been detained after women sunning themselves in Rotterdam's parks and beaches claimed he would sneak up on them and begin to lick their toes."  Rotterdam must be a pretty desolate place.  I'm having a hard time imaging a grown man, through stealth and craftiness alone, creeping up on these women undetected for a bit of digital suction.  Wouldn't somebody see him move in for the meal?  Or is this sort of behavior nothing to be particularly surprised at in the Netherlands?  Turns out this guy had been stalking victims for three years before anybody complained.  Come on, there had to be a little mutual pleasure.

The Dutch are about to fix this loophole once and for all.  They've got a law on the books against littering, but "not uninvited toe-licking", according to Labour MP Peter van Heemst.  The indignant MP demanded that the Christian Democratic Justice Minister introduce an amendment to forbid the naughty, annoying, and entirely unsanitary habit.  Something's backwards when the left-wingers slam the right-wingers for their moral lactitude.  All I can figure is that the entire political spectrum in Europe has been shifted so far left that the opponents have reversed positions.  But at least they've got toe-licking under control.

I started wondering what other unnatural forms licking could take, and what sorts of legal measures could bring the situation under control.    I don't know, but here's what I think:
Toe-Lick Masturbation  - There are plenty of people in Rotterdam that will  be happy to lick your toes for you, so no need to take the easy way out, unless you're the type that likes to be on the licking end and just caught wind of the legal consequenses.  I'm pretty impressed with the flexibility on display here, though.  She probably moves like a cat - before you know it she'll have your whole foot in her mouth.  Damn, what a waste . . . 
Mulders - Is there anything wrong with Scully giving Mulder a long, wet, sensuous lick on the face?  Damn straight.  It should be me.  Look - Mulder's not even enjoying it!  The crime here is not being committed by the licker, it's the bored, unappreciative lickee.  This sort of disrespect toward Scully would be a felony in all fifty states if I was king.

Guess who my favorite character on X-Files was?
with incredible muscle control, to reach the lobe without running into the stray neck or chin.  Well done, but, in my book, illegal.
Practicing for the Big Time in Amsterdam
ooops, got distracted for a minute.  I'm sure the practice of digital self-gratification is a felony in Texas and a misdemeanor in the lower forty-eight (except Las Vegas, where anything goes).