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August 28, 2004
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Tinka's Boy Lightens the Load Before Jumping

In an effort to squeeze every millifraction of a point out of the judges in Athens, Olympic equestrian competitor Tinka's Boy (horse, not rider) felt the need to pause prior to starting his routine and take a dump in the middle of the field of honor.  Or, as Reuters more colorfully reports it, "(i)n full view of more than 8,000 spectators at the Markopoulo equestrian  center and a worldwide television audience, the Dutch-bred stallion  pulled up about 10 meters before his first jump, flicked up his tail  and produced a steaming heap of dung."  Pretty saucy stuff for the usually staid hacks at Reuters!

The equestor (or whatever they're called), Marcus Fuchs, "felt the 15-year-old stallion's back suddenly  tighten up beneath him" in the nick of time.  One more microsecond and the

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Let Me Kow What You Think!
Tennis - Who can forget the match when Conners played for hours with a case of fierce diarhea?  He was further burdened by the obligation to wear white shorts, which must have caused him churning anxiety.  Every serve must have been an opportunity for excruciating public humiliation.  You can see him here begging for mercy (actually, I don't even know if this shot is from the matchin question, but let's permit a little conscious suspension of disbelief).  Perhaps he would have made out better if he had spent a litte more time on the crapper before the dual.  Either that or OD on Milk of Magnesia (we didn't
judges would have started the clock on his routine, at which point the awkward discharge would have meant certain disqualification.  Instead, Fuchs got off with a mere blush (and a really crappy name).

After finishing reasonably well in the completition, Fuchs observed "(t)his is quite often the case with him," said Fuchs. "He's always doing  this to me. I'm usually happy when he does it in the preparation  phase."  A few things here.  If you were an Olympic level competitor and your mount was in the habit of depositing what the Swiss call "pferdeaepfel" around the course, wouldn't you conclude that it's time to part company and go in search of a somewhat less prolific beast?  Personally, I think the horse is just pissed because  they keep calling him Tinka's Boy.  It's like being called Junior.  If you can never aspire to full "Tinkadom", than why not behave like a child?  Seems logical.  And just because Fuchs got a crappy name doesn't mean he has to burden his horse with one.

If horses can improve their scores by taking a pre-routine dump, what other things might pass Olympic muster and give athletes a competitive advantage?  I don't know, but here's what I think:

Cycling - Those Olympic byciclist sure drink a lot of Gatorade along the way.  And they're going a long way .  With no pit stops.  Unless they've got Olympic sized bladders there are plenty of opportunities for leakage.  Sure would be nice to start the race with a clean slate, as they say.  This could present a slight logistical complication at the  venue,
have the wonder drug Immodium back then).  Our Olympic tennis players have the same problem with just a tad more pressure.  They've got the honor of their repective nations on their shoulders (or their bowels, as the case may be).  What a terrible tragedy for otherwise miserable Albania, after reaching the stirring heights of Olympus, to descend abruptly by crapping in the Olympic arena?  The US doesn't care about such niceties, we're used to crapping on the world.
The Smoke of Fuchs
where there may not be enough port-a-pots on hand to satisfy the immediate, urgent demand for pre-race relief.  Some racers may resort to a human version of Tinka's Boy's crude offering.  And for those that are running a wee bit late, we can think of a new chant to expedite the flow - "Tinkle Boy!  Tinkle Boy!  Tinkle Boy! . . ."
Praying for Mercy
Volleyball - Perhaps the most entertaining of the Olympic sports, but am I the only person that's wondering if there aren't a few lesbians on the team?  These women ae tough.  One can imagine that it would be a distracting event for the playes that are inclined to look with and equal measure of competitive and lustful passion at their opposing numbers.  Best to neutralize the lustful side of that equation, which makes womens' volleyball one of he only sports that
advises sex prior to the big day (but only for the gay teammates). 
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