I've been a very bad boy. Haven't written in over two years. But I've had plenty of practice and distractions; we won't go into that here. Let's just say I've had some pretty damn good reasons for my lapse. And nobody reads this damn thing anyway. I only write it for personal amusement. Once in awhile I go back and read my own stuff and get a little snicker, which reveals my narcissistic side. If it makes you feel any better, sometimes I cringe. You probably do to, especially if you're me, which you probably will be in about a month when I get back to reading this one again. But I'm back again, and I'm not making any promises about how long I'll be sticking around. Lord knows there's always ridiculous stuff happening in the world to base these compositions on, so I'll stay as long as the fun lasts. Or until something more fun comes along.
Mississippi River Refuses to Heed Calls to Close
Our friends in the petroleum industry have run into another mishap. Early last Wednesday a barge and a tanker collided on the Mississippi somewhere in Louisiana, prompting the Coast Guard to close 98 miles of the river. But the river, true to it's free-spirited nature, refuses to halt! That's a river with balls. And about half a million gallons of low viscosity heating oil.
Despite the Coast Guard's action to close the river, local residents were heard to exclaim with surprise that the river continues to flow. It may have slowed down a little, but folks aren't sure if that's because of a reluctant acknowledgement of the official order or the fact that the water is mired with low grade home heating oil. Red Cranker, who owns the farm down the way, observed that the river had slowed down a tad, but he continued "That river, she keeps rollin' along." Lois Sparkley, who claims the river speaks to here under normal circumstances, was equally shocked claiming "He must know somethin', but he don't say nothin." Old man Travis quipped "But I get weary and sick of tryin' 'cause I'm tired of livin' but I'm scared of dyin'." Don't worry, he always talks that way.
The Coast Guard, angry at the river's impertinence, secured a cease and desist order and a warrant for the Mississippi's arrest. But an exclusive law firm in New York has already offered to represent the river on a pro bono basis. They have exactly the right person to put on it too, but she's tied up in litigation right now. We've learned that the river's attorney plans to argue that the river should be left to flow freely, that the Coast Guard's order was arbitrary and capricious, that it was a violation of the river's constitutional rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Well, the constitution doesn't exactly say that, but she figured she'd throw it in since the dolts she is bound to encounter in court might just buy it.
Some residents were downright pissed. Bobby Jenks figured the Coast Guard action would give him a little time alone with the missus, so he put little Bobby Jr. out on the river in an inner tube, figuring he would come back in 15 minutes and find Bobby Jr. bobbing happily offshore. He left the missus after his usual 5 minute performance, watched NASCAR for two hours, remembered Bobby Jr., and wandered down to the river to discover that Bobby Jr. had been swept away by a steady 5 MPH current. Bobby was heard to wail "Oh, the missus sure is gonna be pissed! She told me to tie him to a rope. I did, but she didn't tell me what to do with the other end of it." Bobby Jr. was pulled from the river down by Darlington, 20 miles away, still laughing and giggling.
Bobby Jenks (Sr.)
In an attempt to avert an embarrassing standoff with the river and an expensive defeat in the courtroom, the Coast Guard decided late in the week to adopt a more river-friendly strategy. Customary red "Stop" signs were replaced with a more inviting, less threatening request to halt.
As of this writing, the river continues to flow calmly, serenely, quietly and maybe a little smoother. Heating oil may not be high-grade, but it's still lubricating.