Untold glory and riches were not enough. Surely even the arrival of Elvis didn't create quite the stir that The Bieber has unleashed. And the King, even during the sad fried peanut butter and banana sandwich years, never amassed the vast wealth that this wunderkind has accumulated in the blink of an eye.
Despite the riches and self-gratification that must come from from being every pre-teen girl's object of psychosexual fantasy, Justin Bieber has decided to branch out into the otherwise mundane business of regional tour busing.
Recently seen motoring down the interstates that connect Pennsylvania with New York, New Jersey and DC was an aging fleet of motorcoaches branded with The Bieber's handle.
Mascots - Maybe The Bieber should stay a little closer to home. As any decent MBA program will tell you, focus on your core competencies and outsource the rest. Let's face it, even the doubters among us admit that this kid is talented as a minstrel. So maybe, if he needs a few extra bucks and an extra measure of adoration, a stint as a professional sports mascot would be a good gig. And what better franchise than that tired, worn-out, pitiful green anteater stomping around in Philadelphia? That beast has been needing a new hairstyle for years, and there's no better style than The Bieber's flip.
Cloning - If one Bieber can generate so much excitement, think of what multiple identical replicas could do! Bieber throws off cash in torrents and attracts admiring hordes everywhere he stops. Why not bring over some European scientists whose technical prowess exceeds their medical ethics. Get them to stamp out a bunch of Stepford Biebers to wander the world in an exponentially increasing perpetual motion wealth machine. No need to wait for The Bieber to show up at the local 70,000 seat venue. Instead, hire your own Bieber clone that walk, talks, and looks like the real thing! Even mall Santas don't have it so good.
Cloning Gone Bad
The managers at Bieber Tours, in a lame attempt to spare their namesake's image, tried to argue that the bus company is actually owned by a German family from Kutztown, PA. Leaving aside for a moment the awkward fact that Pennsylvania Germans from Kutztown, otherwise known as Pennsylvania Dutch, customarily shun more advanced forms of transport and have a particular dislike for the internal combustion engine, why are we to believe that this particular Dutch family strayed so far from their simple roots? Josiah Bieber, Chief Marketing Officer for Bieber Tours, had this to say:
"Bieber Tours is a family business started by my great grandfather Elijah Bieber after he returned from the Civil War with distinguished service in the Army of the Potomac. Over the years, our motorcoach service has helped families in the Delaware and Lehigh Valleys enjoy clean fun and enjoyment. This Justin Bieber you speak of is not even American."
Close inspection reveals a few seams in Josiah's version of the facts. First, aren't Amish supposed to pacifists? Sounds like the Pennsylvania Biebers have conveniently flexible principles. And what about this business model of theirs. Where are they taking the people of Kutztown to for family enjoyment? Casinos in Bethlehem and Atlantic City, that's where. Nice try Josiah, but your not dodging this.
We are left to conclude, lacking credible evidence to the contrary, that His Majesty is the one and only owner of Bieber Tours. While this seems like a relatively risk-free business proposition, I can see all kinds of opportunity for misfortune:
Rioting - Imagine driving on the New Jersey Turnpike in a steady steam of normal weekend traffic. Families on day-trips to Great Adventure creeping to Exit 7A (I still remember that after thirty years - even I can't believe it!). Children gazing out the window, playing highway games, fast losing patience and longing for Six Flags. Suddenly, up rolls a bus with the name of the cherished one etched boldly on its side. Do you think for an instant that these obsessed children will not assume that the one and only is not aboard? That much-maligned thoroughfare has never seen a traffic catastrophe to match the line of traffic created by hordes of raving preteens swarming around that sorry bus, clawing at the windows and doors in a desperate attempt to get a glimpse of The Mighty One.
Ambulance Chasers - When you've got a lot of money, it's usually best to avoid placing yourself in situations that increase your exposure to tort liability. What better tort machine exists than a monster tour bus rolling along the interstate with the name of the richest kid alive branded on the side? In this case "Bieber" is loosely translated to "Sue Me". Savvier drivers with little to lose will immediately place their bodies at risk to take a shot at surviving the collision and placing a nice dent in His Cuteness's asset pool. Better lawyer-up, son.
What can we recommend to this confused child that will keep him safe? I gave it a little thought and here's what I came up with: