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March 21, 2001
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New Cabinet Members Take A Dive

The Associated Press reports that President Bush has taken up a new sport -seeing how far a Cabinet member can fall without sustaining life-threatening bodily injury.  According to a liberal Democratic House member,   Cabinet members like Secretary of State Colin Powell "are all being thrown out the window" by the Bush administration.  Look out below.

Jeff Goldthorp's Slightly Bizarre Current Events Site
The AP does not report a comment from Secretary Powell, who is recovering nicely despite feeling dizzy from his "spinning", according to Rep. Barney Frank.  In keeping with his habit of assigning wacky nicknames, the Pres has taken to calling this new form of hazing "spinning".  Word has it that the name caught on when EPA Administrator Christie Whitman's hair caught a stiff breeze on her plummet, sending her into a stomach-churning twist.  Fortunately, Christie's hair helped break her fall, preventing more serious consequences.  Dubwa got a good laugh just the same.

As usual, the Democrats can't take a joke.  Rep. Frank says "we believe this is really just extraordinarily irresponsible . . . these are people that appear to be terrified."  Yes, but that's the fun part, right?

The new "spinning" fad has provoked a number of revealing new handles in the Bush inner circle.  Here are just a few:

"Thud" - Well . . . let's face it, VP Cheney is packing a few extra pounds.  He's looking better these days, but that extra weight sure did cause him to accelerate fast.  And he's not sporting any tufts up top to break his fall, either.  Don't let them fool you - the Vice President's heart is fine.  But it might take awhle for those broken bones to heal.
"Freefall" - Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill has been taking quite a bit of flak lately for some of his ad-libbing about the economy in public forums.  Some might say that he is single-handedly trying to undo the years of competence and good judgement we enjoyed under Robert Rubin and Larry Summers.  The Chief Exec decided to give Secretary O'Neill a nickname that applies equally well to his "twisting" skills and job performance.
"Bullseye" - Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld is really a believer in this new missle defense plan, not to mention the President's new "twisting" frenzy.  Every time the C in C would send another .top lieutenant off the White House portico, Secretary Rumsfeld would jump off to see if he could intercept them on the way down.
This led to a particularly nasty mid-air collision with Ms. Whitman, who caught an updraft from the subway grate out on Pennsylvania Ave.  So for, the Secretary has a better hit rate than the latest prototypes of the missle defense system.