December 20, 2008
Pipe Cracks Under Pressure
The River Reporter of Narrowsburg, NY has uncovered the cause of that humungous pipeline explosion down on Route I-84 last month. Evidently the pipeline simply cracked under the pressures imposed by harsh, abusive testers from the pipeline company. This is a common occurence over at nearby Milford University this time of year, but one that has rarely been observed in industrial grade pipelines. Needless to say the locals were surprised.
According to the River Reporter, the " . . . explosion occured as the company was increasing the pressure on the pipeline under testing . . . within the sensitive . . . area." I left a few words out there, but don't worry about that.
Local residents, many of whom have experienced the rigors of Milford University during finals, sympathized with the pipeline.
Amy Amerhausen ('76) remembered: " . . . Gosh, those Nazis at Milford really put us through the wringer! I know what that pipe must have gone through. Those testers really outta let up, especially in that sensitive spot. My boyfriend told me all about that. Ouch."
Todd Jenkins ('03) added " . . . they couldn't pay me enough to go through another four years at Milford. I couldn't believe it when my father told me he had to pay THEM! I knew the bastard hated me. Anyway, I wish I could have just lifted the load by blowing off some steam like that pipe. Kids that did that kinda stuff got kicked outta school though."
As for the actual pipeline explosion, the River Reporter says that " . . . witnesses compared the geyser to Old Faithful in Yellowstone National Park." Most of the Milford men we talked to said they customarily saved that particular enjoyment until finals were over.
Angry at the pipeline abuse, folks have insisted that the pipeline operator, CGTC, come up with a plan to avoid future instances. CGTC has promised to reduce pipeline stress by resuming operations at normal pressure, then increasing it slowly as testing starts. They are also proactively " . . . monitoring the movement of heavy equipment across the Sloat Brook and into the wetlands" to restore that sensitive area to its pre-rupture state.
Mr. Jenkins was happy to hear that. "Well, my equipment may not be heavy, but it was sure sensitive after those pricks got finished with me at finals time. I talked like my sister for a week."