The day after his shocking electoral “mandate” the POTUS moved with surprising swiftness and resolve in selecting the next target for our nation’s relentless demonstration of military prowess. US. The United States, that is. I knew the Bush White House was good at keeping things under wraps, but I never would have guessed they could have kept a self-inflicted invasion of the homeland off the radar. Damn, that Karl Rove is good!.
Jeff Goldthorp's Slightly Bizarre But True Current Events Site
Reuters is flabbergasted, leading with the headline “Unbelievable”, which must be put in context with all the otherwise strange and bizarre local tripe they pick up. Here’s the scoop. Evidently two National Guard F-16s operating out of Andrews Air Force Base were playing Top Gun over the Jersey Shore and confused a local elementary school with a legitimate practice target, so they unloaded with a couple of bursts from an M61-A1 Vulcan cannon, thereby redefining the term “Homeland Security”.
Fortunately the strafing incident occurred after school let out so the assault was borne solely by a lonely custodian who reported “what sounded like someone running across the roof,” according to AP. Don’t know about you, but an M61-A1 Vulcan cannon blasting through the roof doesn’t conjure up footsteps in my mind. I’m thinking repeated, full-body blows by a weightlifter wielding a carpenter’s hammer.
Reuters reports that “damage was minimal as the non-exploding, 20 millimeter bullets left only puncture marks in the school's roof and the asphalt outside the building.” Always looking for the bright side, those folks at Reuters.
Here’s something weird. These flyboys were from the District of Columbia Air National Guard. What are DC guardsman doing in Jersey? Has the Garden State done something to offend their compatriots in the District? Is Jersey now the national proving ground for trainee fighter pilots? How many times has this happened already without us even knowing it, where only a wayward heifer or a toxic waste dump is assaulted? Inquiring minds want to know.
Of course, the military is very apologetic and somewhat contrite - "The National Guard takes this situation very seriously," said Lt.-Col. Roberta Niedt, a spokeswoman for the state Department of Military and Veterans Affairs. "The safety of our people and the surrounding communities are our foremost concern." Well, not exactly their foremost concern. It would become their foremost concern after they do something impossibly stupid like mistake an elementary school for a legitimate target. I’m wondering why, if the “National Guard takes this situation very seriously”, they can’t come forward themselves and fess up? Instead they send some woman from Veterans Affairs to do their dirty work – somebody who obviously has no authority to prevent similar things from happening again. Where have we seen this before?
Well, now that we’ve been confronted with the inconceivable, I guess anything else Bush decides to attack will be a step down. I don’t know if I can top him, but I’ll try:
The Moon - Let’s face it, the moon doesn’t do anybody any good. It’s just up there most nights almost defying us to knock it down. It doesn’t throw off any heat. It doesn’t light things up any more than once a month and only then if it’s not cloudy. The moon sucks. So let’s wipe that man-in-the-moon grin off it’s face with a few nuclear-tipped missiles.
All Things Blue - It just occurred to me that maybe New Jersey was selected for unilateral assault because of its Democratic leanings, and this is the first phase of a Republican electoral strategy to eliminate those pesky close Electoral College situations by invading all the blue states and declaring them red. This is too cynical even for Karl . . . isn’t it? I’d better get a beer, I’m starting to get paranoid.