January 10, 2019
Border Insecurity
Day seven. Skipped a day yesterday. First of all, I couldn't find anything to write about. Second off I was burdened by the list of things to do during the shutdown, none of which are done. And I didn't do any of them yesterday either. Sort of a shutdown stiff arm. But, as I've said, I'm getting regular, loving encouragement from my companion. She's still nice about it, but the day is coming when I'll be treated like the idle slouch that I've been. I'll persist in my present state until that day arrives. hasn't reached the point of for today's blog.
Cosmetic Surgery - While Dobermans are born with point ears, modern cosmetic surgery can step in to take the edge off. Since we're talking about animals here and not falling within the clutches of government regulatory agencies of any kind there is freedom to experiment. As FDR said upon assuming office during the Depression, "But above all, try something." He did, and it worked! So I say we staple those point ears down and floppify them! If that seems unduly harsh, find another application for duct tape or zip strips.
Dog Therapy - Stapled ears may not be enough to ease tension if Fido is still snarling and snapping. These point-eared dogs have well-known anger management issue, probably stemming from some puppyhood experience that would respond well to a period of talk therapy. Give the pooch a chance to express himself. Frequent hugs are advisable, as illustrated to the right. But don't forget the muzzle. Either that or Xanax.
I'm very proud of one thing. I've kept the blog remarkably free of snarky commentary on the furlough. I've been reading the paper every day and it's killing me not to use this stuff. But I will forebear. For now.
In an alarming about-face that has nothing to do with the shutdown the administration has announced that the Transportation Security Administration will switch from pointed-eared dogs to floppy-eared dogs.
Pointy-eared dogs - German Shepherds, Dobermans, etc. - were custom-designed by the Creator to be scary and vicious. Every image of a prison guard comes with a pointy-haired sidekick. I've never come face-to-face with a snarling member of the breed, but I promise to be afraid in anticipation if that it will keep the bastard off me.
They're pretty good at terrifying international guests too - the friendly kind and the bomb-throwing kind. But the dogs aren't that good at telling the difference, and both types of people have the same instinctive reaction to the fierce canines.
Trouble is this. Tourists are good. They spend money here and carry fond memories home (well, maybe not so fond in the past couple of years). Terrorists are bad. They come here exploiting our civil liberties to spread pandemonium. And pointy-eared dogs don't discriminate, being equally venomous to both.
TSA is dealing with the problem by deploying floppy-eared dogs to secure airports. You know, Beagles, Golden Retrievers, Collies. Generally elicit a smile and take well to children and terrorists alike.
Naturally, TSA's move away from pointy-eared dogs has hit a nerve with the PETA wingnuts, who feel that the Equal Protection Clause applies to animals. After the TSA announcement there was a surge of tweets depicting seemingly friendly German Shepherds sporting maudlin gazes, clearly heartbroken by the decision. And the shutdown has caused their rations to be switched from Taste Of The Wild Grain Free High Protein Dry Dog Food High Prairie Puppy with Venison & Bison ($30.00) to Purina Dog Chow ($5.00).
What can we do to spare the pointy-eared dogs this misery?
Cute Names - Have you ever hear of a German Shepherd with a cute name? Most of them go by Crusher or Brutus or Gangbanger. The floppy-eared dogs get to be called things like Muffy and Princess and Bob, which isn't cute but it's at least non-threatening. How would you feel if you were going through your life with a cruel handle that put your worst tendencies on display? You'd probably live up to it, and that's what these pointy-eared dogs are doing. Give them nice names and they'll live up to them! But the terrorists will probably lose respect for them.
