Day four and I'm already slipping into a sad routine of guilty pleasures. Possibly the guiltiest of them is Women Behind Bars, a sordid, unseemly docudrama about ladies and their troubles with the law. So far I'm limiting myself to single shots but, like any substance abuser, I'll probably soon be lining them up on the bar in a sad binge. Maybe mix them with a little Steve Wilkos or Jerry Springer. Life robbed of an outlet for my productive capacities is causing me to go hurtling into the abyss of American popular media culture. Probably all produced by the conductor of our current political drama.
Cats Behind Bars - Before there was Women Behind Bars there was only Cops and Reno 911. Shattering the safety glass lockup has done wonders for my sanity during my idle spell. Why not open the genre up to other species and give the ladies a run for their money? Women have historically been called the gentler sex - one not so bent on mayhem and misdeed as their male companions. Maybe there are other implausible creatures that aspire to a criminal life. Cats are cute, but who know what they're really thinking?
Mandatory Home Economics - Women who wind up in jail must be fleeing some other life situation. (Just made that up out of whole clothe, but I'm going with it. Probably going to regret it, too.). What lifestyle choice has gone most out of fashion with men and women over the years? Domestic servitude. So a good way to keep women outside of jails is to tell them that they will be given a list of domestic chores to check off every day. Works for men too.
I don't mean to be sexist. They have lots of shows about men in the slammer - too many. The oppressive law of supply and demand creates a ravenous interest in the female variety, though. That and the fact that the lady shows seem more sordid if only slightly less violent. And today's news has an assortment of plot ideas for future episodes.
Don't Turn Your Back On Them
Headed for the Big House
The CW in West Palm Beach, Florida reports that a young lady, grown weary of the endless torrent of seafood fare in The Sunshine State, turned on her parents after being denied a free trip to the local Outback. She was brandishing a steak knife, and not in anticipation of carving bovine. Though, perhaps in a pinch, cannibalism will due. Especially when the alternative is tilapia.
The accused was quite angry - after being denied she "flipped over the glass dining room table and other furniture throughout the home. Deputies said she also hit her mom, grabbed a 12-inch decorative knife and chased her dad around the home, threatening to kill him. Her father eventually wrestled the knife away from her."
The Bars Await
(Open All Night!)
Alas, her lust for beef was not to be satisfied. Once dad got her under control he called the cops and she has been taken to a place where Outback-quality beef is so far out of reach that it's not worth fighting over. There are better things to fight over in jail.
In the second episode of today's double-header, a woman in Phoenix flooded her date with 159,000 text messages over the course of ten months and threatened to turn his kidneys into sushi. Their one and only date must have resulted in many unspoken words or a journey where most first dates don't dare to go, hence the tweets and kidneys.
Either way, there'll be no second chances here as the woman has earned a period of rest and free kidneys (or whatever they're serving) in jail. But no texting.
Here are some sample texts:
“I’d wear ur fascia n the top of ur skull n ur hands n feet”
“I’d make sushi outta ur kidneys n chopsticks outta ur hand bones”
To be fair, the woman, according to the Arizona Republic, has shown signs of mental distress in the past.
Too prove that there are lengths of cynicism that I consider too far, there was another story today that I resisted. For those of you with no such compunction, here it is. Fair warning - it's from Fox News.
What can be done to steer these ladies from the criminal paths they's taken?