Cats - I've got a couple of these. The older of the two, a tabby that my son and I adopted from the shelter in DC, was originally named Tiger. My son didn't take to the name and fondly renamed her Tits in remembance of the feline on Trailer Park Boys, a fine program to which we were both adicted. It's been Tits now for ten years. When we were living in DC my bride got worried about her late one night. Wandered into the tree and shouted for her in full panic voice. After 30 seconds of this she rushed into the house in horror, realizing that she'd been proclaiming her desire for mammaries to the entire neighborhood.
We adopted the other one a couple of months ago. Hallow, or something like that - I'm using phonetic spelling. This cat, named by my bride, is young and far too playul for the old fart that has been with me for over a decade. Chases Tits around the house. Tits, cornered and fearful, evenntually comes out with gloves off and shows Hallow a thing or three. That usually ends things until the next round. Cats, unlike emus, are not goofy looking or stupid.
Has anybody ever seen, or even heard of, the movie shown at right? Does anybody know who Joel McHale is? As I age I find myself slipping the bonds of mass media and popular culture. Don't know about any of the movies that made it to the Academy Awards this year. Don't watch TV much. Haven't seen "Animal Control". Oh well. Don't seem to be missing much.
Turns out there are animals out there in need of discipline. Can't be left to their natural instrinct for roaming and mayhem. Joel seems to have his hands full with racoons. Not the usual suspects. Not worthy of menacing glares or the accesories he carries about with pride. They're actually kind of cute.
The really bad actors are out there. Back in the day my family and I were visited by a wayward squirrel. Those things are wiry, muscular, appear to be spending more then their share of time at rodent Planet Fitnesses. Not nice. Worse when cornered. But somehow we removed them without injury (to us). Perhaps with the help of our local Animal Control experts, with no sign of Officer McHale. Probably just some guy with an extra strong bag sans noose. Many of the loose creatures are neither threatening nor cute. They are annoying in ways that activate local law enforcement in force. More on that later.
Squirrels - I've already spoken of these wiry rodents in this post. Neither cute nor smart. They crowd the yard in the warmer months burying nuts for the winter when food is scarce and their dumbness is revealed when they forget where they planted their lunch. Wander around all confused looking for a meal. By spring they're lean and evil in advanced starvation.
My father has a special hatred of the beasts. Calls people with poor memories "squirrels". Not a term of endearment. Once bought a
BB gun to rid the neighborhood of their presence. Would stand on the back porth, spot a evildoer, take careful aim, and watch proudly as the BB traveled lazily across the yard attracting the suspicious eye of its target. Squirrels, dimwits that they are, lack the mental capacity to realize what's coming and BBs are not dangerous enough to peirce their hide. Just fast enough to provoke a leap and a pitiful squirrel gasp. Damn funny and and very sporting!
Sadly, I have something in common with Doug. When my bride first laid eyes on me I was waiting for her at a train station trying to focus on my cell phone by compensating awkwardly for my hyperopia by glancing over the top of the glasses I use to overcome myopia. A sad site that nearly caused my date to flee to a nearby lake and go fishing. I won. She didn't cast her line. The rest is history in the making.
Check out that creature on the left. I think it's an emu lifted from a Liberty Mutual ad. Today's post features a loose emu, and I'll get to that in a moment. For now, just accept my word for it that the beasts are downright annoying.
The emu is the least of it. The worst of it is that damn Doug. Just look at him peering menacingly over his shades. I can't figure out whether Doug is an idiot, a caricature, or a pathetic Paul Blart (from the days when I used to watch movies). Since I can't decide I'll reward him with all three. An idiotic Paul Blart caricature. Poor dude.
Radio for Back-Up
All of which leads me to the plot. An emu was seen wandering the streets of Harriman, TN. Local police were notified and dispatched. In force. YouTubers took interest, capturing the story to live forever in the bowels of the internet. The low-speed chase went on for hours - a 21st century repeat of the OJ chase on the highways of LA that was captured and broadcast on CATV news. The 20th century equivalent of the internet.
Doug was absent. This emu may be entirely Dougless. The stupid bird was captured, only to escape the next day. Maybe Doug found out and, drawn to clumsy emus, raced to the scene to lend a hand.
Ready, Fire, Aim
As always, there is more to the story. Pink Floyd released an album in my summer days called "Animals". Each track named for a different species. A very good album, but I think they missed a few: